


Bent But Not Broken

by merentha13



Category: The Professionals
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-09-22
Updated: 2012-09-22
Packaged: 2017-11-14 18:56:44
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 817
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/518460
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/merentha13/pseuds/merentha13
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>A bit of H/C after an obbo</p>
            </blockquote>





	Bent But Not Broken

[](http://s1091.photobucket.com/albums/i398/merentha13/?action=view&current=stairs_zps015c65a8.jpg)

 

Silently he slipped out of his sleeping bag and the room where the squad had camped out. His muscles ached as he limped down the old, crumbling staircase. There was going to be no sleep for him tonight. He could not still his thoughts. His body and mind refused to settle. He’d killed a man today. No, not a man, a boy. Shot him on these very steps. He dropped down on the bottom stair and buried his head in his hands, surprised when his fingers found wetness. Why was he weeping? Surely not for the villain that had tried to take Bodie from him. Maybe this time the tears were for himself, for that small scared part of him that hid behind the bravado. The part of him that feared the cold, arrogant bastard that took him over without asking, the part of him that seemed to grow harder and harder to reach after each assignment, the part of him that sheltered what was left of his tattered humanity. 

He heard footsteps padding down the battered stairway. Bodie.

“What’s all this in aid of? You’re not still brooding, Doyle?” Bodie sat down next to him. 

He couldn’t be bothered to hide the shivering that had taken hold of him. Bodie’s tension was palpable too.

“He was eighteen, Bodie. A kid, and I ended him... I shot him in the back!”

“A kid with a gun. A kid who had me dead to rights.” Anger tinged the words. “Do you regret your choice? Would you rather it was me laid out on the marble portico?”

“You bastard.” Green eyes filled with fury and hurt. 

Doyle spun around quickly and threw a punch. Bodie must have expected it because he grabbed the fist before it made contact. He twisted Ray’s arm up behind his back painfully, forcing them both to stand. He put his face right in Doyle’s, tightening his grip on the trapped arm. 

“He made his choice, Ray. He suffered the consequences. End of story. Let. It. Go.” He pushed Ray backwards, toppling him to the ground. 

Ray stared up at his partner. He felt lost, confused and badly used. All of it must have been there on his face. Bodie’s expression showed understanding. He reached down to pull him up and said softly. 

“C’mon, sunshine. Let me help.”

He spun away and cursed himself for not being able to hide from Bodie. Bodie always knew. Bodie was always there to try to talk him down. Why couldn’t the bloody sod realize that sometimes he just wanted to wallow in it; sometimes he just needed to let the grief and shame have their way and bury him for awhile. He turned back to Bodie and accepted the extended hand. Looking up into Bodie’s face he saw, just for an instant, fear. He gasped at the realization that the fear was for him. Bodie was afraid _for him_. 

“Bodie.” The whisper barely escaped his throat.

“Yeah,” Bodie sounded chagrined, as if he knew that Ray had seen.

“How do you do it, Bodie?” He hated the tremor in his voice. “How do you just push it aside and move on? I know it bothers you, all the killing and violence. You try to pretend it doesn’t, that it’s just part of the job... but I know better, Bodie. I know you.” His throat closed; he couldn’t force anymore words out.

Bodie gripped his shoulders hard. “You have to find your own way to deal with it, Ray. Yell, scream, fight, drink, fuck...whatever works, but you can’t keep bottling it up. My way, locking it away and not thinking about it until I’m ready for it, won’t work for you. _You_ have to let it out or it will destroy you.”

Bodie pulled him in close and ran a hand through the untidy curls. “You’re a good man, Ray. Don’t let anyone or anything make you think otherwise. That thug today made his own choices, just like you did. The difference is you made yours for good. Keep hold of that.” 

“Sometimes it feels like it’s just an illusion... thinking we’re any different from them. The end results of our actions are the same, Bodie, someone dies.” 

Bodie sighed and tightened his embrace. “Sometimes our choices are hard to live with. But we make them with noble intentions. We’re protecting others, there’s no better reason. And if we have to do something less than noble to obtain that goal, it’s tough to live with, but it’s right. I believe that, Ray. I really do.” 

“I know, Bodie. I know.” He returned the fierce hug. 

Bodie gently kissed his temple and in that kiss he found some semblance of peace. Honour, integrity, ethics and his own moral code were everything to him. Today’s debacle had left all of them bent, but not broken. Bodie understood and that helped.

**Author's Note:**

> Written for a Tea & Swiss Roll challenge - prompts: bent, sleep & picture prompt


End file.
